Have you ever been at a loss for words because you just found out a family member or friend has received a terminal diagnosis? There can be many emotions, including sadness, anxiety, and uncertainty, when you find out someone you care for doesn’t have long to live. If you have ever felt uncertain about what to say to someone who is dying, this article will help you feel confident next time you face that situation.
Recognize your anxiety and turn your focus on the other person
While you may have anxiety over what to say or do, make sure your focus is on the person who is dying. Don’t get so caught up worrying because you don’t know what to say or do that you can’t even concentrate on the person you are visiting.
If they seem tired, let them rest. Don’t be afraid to ask what they would like. Have they had a lot of visitors today? Are they hungry or thirsty? Making them comfortable and helping to meet their needs goes a long way in showing them you care.
Starting the conversation
Use the beginning of the conversation to gauge how much the person wants to talk and what they would like to talk about. Sometimes people want to talk about their diagnosis and how they are feeling, while other times they want to focus on other things for the moment.
“I just wanted to stop by and see you. It is good to see you. Is it okay if I come in and visit for a few minutes”
If they invite you in to visit you can ask them how they are feeling today or how their day has been so far. Use a simple question to see what they might want to talk about today.
“How are you feeling today?”
“Have you had a lot of visitors?”
If the person starts asking about you then feel free to share, sometimes they want to feel normal by having conversations about everyday life. Feel free to tell them about your job or family if they are asking about you. Respect the wishes of the person you are visiting by letting them guide the conversation.
Be willing to sit in the silence
Don’t feel like you have to always fill the silence and keep the conversation going. Be willing to just sit with the person you are with. Maybe they would like to watch a show, do a puzzle, or go for a walk. You don’t have to constantly be talking to show the other person you care for them, often times your presence is enough to do that.
Talking about their illness and death
If the person you are visiting wants to talk about their illness and death, shift into listening mode. One way to reduce your anxiety in this situation is to realize that the best thing you can do is listen intently to what your friend has to say. You don’t have to come up with the exact right thing to say or solve the problem of suffering. Instead, ask open-ended follow-up questions and ask for them to explain the emotions they have expressed.
For example, your friend might say, “I just can’t believe this, just last month I was feeling fine and now they tell me I will die within the next year.”
You can follow up with a simple statement that reflects back on what they said, such as, “I can’t believe it either, I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you.” This allows the person to continue on if they wish to keep talking about how they feel.
Some open-ended questions you can ask to give them the opportunity to talk about what they are going through:
“What has been the most difficult part of this for you so far?”
“What are the most important things you want to do in the time you have left?”
“How can I be praying for you during this time?”
“What has been on your mind the most since you found out your diagnosis?”
Don’t be afraid to lean into difficult questions if they want to talk about their illness and situation. Many people who visit them will probably be too uncomfortable to have these discussions with them, so if you are willing to it can be beneficial for your friend.
What to say in a text to someone who is dying
Text and email messages are great ways to keep in touch since they allow the person you are checking on to choose how much or little they wish to respond. You can let them know that you are thinking of them and wish them the best while they don’t have to reply right away if they are tired or don’t feel like engaging at the moment.
“Thinking of you and praying for you!”
“I am out running errands today if you need anything”
“Let me know if there is a day this week you feel like having company”
Simple messages like this help the person who is dying feel supported and know they have a friend in their corner.
Conclusion
The best piece of advice for what to say to someone who is dying is to follow the lead of the person dying. If they want to talk about their family, ask about their family. If they want to know about your life, talk about your life. If they want to talk about the fact that they are dying, ask open-ended and clarifying questions. If they want to sit in silence and work on a puzzle, pull up a chair and look for the end pieces.
If you offer a calming, non-judgmental presence that focuses on the needs and desires of the person who is dying, you can be a great friend who offers the kind of support they need during this difficult time.
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Caleb is an ordained Baptist minister. He has been a healthcare chaplain for 13 years and has visited over 20,000 patients in the hospital over the last 7 years. He is in the process of board certification through the Association of Professional Chaplains. He is currently the senior chaplain responsible for the pastoral care department at two community hospitals in a larger health system.