Introduction
Is someone you care about in the hospital? Have you ever wanted to pray for them when you go visit but aren’t sure how or what to say? Whether you are visiting a family member or friend, or you are learning to provide spiritual care to patients in a healthcare setting, this article will give you the basics on how to pray for someone in the hospital.
Before I was a staff chaplain working in a multi-hospital setting, I was a campus minister at a large, denominational university. As a campus minister almost every meeting and event was either begun or ended with prayer while most of us held hands. It was simply an unquestioned part of most all occasions.
Years later as a chaplain resident, I quickly realized prayer and holding hands were not to be enacted on people—either in clinical settings or in personal and church ministry settings. As a professional clinical staff chaplain, I needed to unlearn how I imposed prayer onto others. I needed to practice attentive respect, responsible humility, quiet listening, and accountable observation in the presence of people stripped down to their depression, anger, anxiety, fear, and pain. Then maybe I would be ready to offer a small, substantial prayer of faith, hope, and love.
For patient care and ministry, chaplains (or any minister) can draw from multiple pastoral care resources: the Scriptures or other holy readings, supportive church community, empathic/active listening, guided meditation, iPad travel-back-in-time reflections, calming coloring, playing (or singing) meaningful songs, reading published prayers, etc. But I have found the most helpful, the least threatening, and the most clarifying out of that list have been empathic/active listening and prayer.
In the hospital setting, I encountered a cultural and spiritual plurality as well as a religious skepticism among patients and families that I had not met previously. So how does one pray for another with all the nuances of belief and non-belief; one God, multiple gods, or no god; cultural or nationalistic “Christianity”? The list of diversity and differences is endless.
The following are some things I learned over 26 years as a senior staff chaplain about praying for patients in clinical or hospice settings.
1. Always ask if you can pray with or for them
Things are done to patients in healthcare settings for their hopeful betterment. But their control is most often taken away. The patient may not have been informed or didn’t realize they were on schedule for things like another procedure, another “stick,” another medicine added to an already exhausting regimen, or having to be NPO for a week. As a chaplain, I want to be a pastoral presence who gives back the control, and one way to do that is to ask their permission to pray for them.
As the visit comes to an end, ask if they would like prayer. If the patient says no, you can leave them with a wish for a full recovery (if applicable) or simply say it was good to meet them and/or give them your professional calling card and welcome them to call your office if they need a thing.
If the patient says yes, she or he has given you permission to pray for them. A yes to prayer is a mutual agreement of cautious trust on both parts.
Their yes might be a soft yes or one wrapped in conversation. Anything religious is often hard or uncomfortable to respond directly to for some people.
I pay attention when the yes looks like they are speaking out of obligation to the chaplain or feel put on the spot and have to say yes. In that case I either pray one or two sentences and leave, or I ask if there might be a better time to pray. If they say no now is good, then I have my permission. If they say or signal by body language that another time would be better, then I dismiss myself wishing them well.
2. Try to utilize their words, feelings, or perceived demeanor in your prayer
In the visit, I encourage the patient to tell me why they are there or how they are dealing with their hospital stay or diagnosis. I sometimes reflect their words back when I ask them an open-ended question: “You said you are dreading tomorrow. What do you mean?” If they say something like “I am afraid” or “Each new day is a bigger bill for me to pay” or “I am just too tired already to add one more thing on me,” then I try to use some of their words and feelings in my prayer for them.
For example: “Oh God, Ariana is dealing with what feels like overwhelming fear in this environment. And it can definitely be scary. Please bring her the security and courage she needs to get through this time.” Or “God, Mr. Wilson has already gone through so many treatments and trials. Would you bring him a rest that only comes from you and that renews and strengthens him for today as well as for the days ahead?”
Sometimes patients don’t really have a lot to say. Instead of using their words in prayer, I might refer to their attitude displayed or to their emotion expressed. Do they exhibit distrust or disdain of the medical staff? Are they fearful and anxious, possibly discouraged? Maybe angry? When praying for that patient, we can verbalize what we observe with gentleness, grace, and humility. An example might be, “Thank you, God, that you get it. You get our anxious feelings when it seems nobody else does, and you help us in these times and places.”
Of course, there is always the chance you will be corrected that they are not angry or fearful or whatever words you used in your prayer for them. You can thank them for the correction and reassure them that God knows how they feel. When you make prayer personal like this—calling the patient by first or last name and referring to words and feelings they expressed—it can be deeply meaningful, even healing, for the patient.
3. Pray from who you are personally and spiritually
We all are unique, creative persons when it comes to ministry and prayer. Hopefully we are true to ourselves when praying for others. I try to pray true to my heart regarding who I am spiritually and personally without infringing on the other person. I also pray in awareness and carefulness regarding the patient’s known religious/non-religious needs, sensitivities, and/or differences.
For example, I pray using the name or title “God.” If they are of Christian persuasion, I may use the address of “Lord” as well as the name “Jesus” in my prayer, and I may not. If they are not of a Protestant, Catholic, or non-denominational/Bible religion, or if I don’t know what religious status they are, I only pray to “God.” I do not use the word “Father” in my prayer which could possibly be frightening, confusing, or angering for those who have experienced abuse by a father or father-like individual.
Some chaplains might pray to “the One,” “our Creator,” “Lover of all creatures,” “Good Spirit,” etc. For some chaplains who do not subscribe to a belief in God, prayer can be a way of voicing a constructive and optimistic outcome or a channel of speaking positive, encouraging thoughts for patients in not-so positive situations.
I emphasize being true to our authentic spiritual-religious heart and self in prayer (and in all ministry) because anything less or accommodating might prove to be very frustrating and un- satisfying when going the distance in ministry.
4. Ask what they would like you to pray for
“What would you like me to pray for?”
One might think this is a no-brainer. “I want to be healed” and “Pray I’ll get out of the hospital ASAP!” are two very popular responses, and rightly so. But I have been surprised sometimes when I asked.
“Please pray for my son. He’s in jail again on drug charges.”
“Please pray that we win custody of our grandkids in court next week. My daughter and her latest boyfriend drink and fight all the time in front of the girls.”
“Pray we will find the money to pay this hospital bill. We are already drowning in payments because of my husband’s stroke and now nursing home care.”
“My Yorkipoo is all alone at home without me. Even though people come over to feed him and take him outside, he is still home and lonely! I’m so worried. Please pray for my little Riley!”
Do I pray for healing? Yes, even when it appears the patient’s breaths are numbered. Why do I do that? 1) because they asked; 2) because I don’t know all things; 3) because healing comes in more forms than one; 4) because prayer might remind us a transcendent Someone is attentive in our worst moments.
I pray for what I am asked to pray unless it is about God making them rich or killing their enemy or something like that. But even then I may pray along the lines of the “spirit” of the request…help them with their finances to make ends meet, etc. Most of the time the patient leaves the whole thing of praying—the content, the asking—up to me with no input from them at all.
5. Keep prayers short
When someone prays for me, often the shorter, the better. If there are too many words, I become preoccupied in my head with all those other things that have been vying for my attention.
Remember that patients are tired, sick, and sometimes confused. You might have to compete with family and friends visiting, the TV blaring, with healthcare personnel coming in, or with the patient (or their roommate) coughing and groaning. When I look at the Judeo-Christian Scriptures, I notice that the words spoken or prayed regarding someone’s situation or healing are often few. Even the “Lord’s Prayer” (Matthew 6:9-13) is only 58 words long and takes 26 seconds to speak. May we take from these examples and pray with measured meaning.
Conclusion
When in college, I asked a pastor’s wife to teach me how she prays such meaningful and personal prayers. She agreed and met me at my college dorm room. I was ready with notebook paper and pencil to write down the 1,2,3’s of good praying. But when she arrived, she said, “Let’s kneel here by your bed and pray.”
“Wait a minute,” I jumped in, “what about your prayer instructions and how-to’s?”
She looked at me and smiled, responding, “Kay, we learn to pray by praying.”
And I am still learning.
